Finally ...

Finally, my computer back. I really hate losing my computer!

The past week and a half has really made me think about motherhood and babies. I remember when my girls were all babies and everyone would just coo and ahhh and say, “oh, she’s such a happy baby!” And I would just think that’s another one of those expressions people use with babies … after all, what baby is NOT happy. Now I have an unhappy baby. And it’s so heart-wrenching. This baby spent almost 9 months in his mother’s tummy while she put crack cocaine and God only knows what other drugs into his body. When he was born he spent the first 3 weeks of his life in a drug rehab with his mother, spending 8 hours every day laying by himself with his bottle propped on a pillow so his mother could sit in day-long parenting classes (that obviously don’t tell them how to be a mother for some reason) – and believe me, I’ve seen this baby when he isn’t being held, and he screams and screams until he is picked up. Then at 3 weeks old he somehow “rolls” off the bed onto a concrete floor and cracks his skull, spending almost three days in the hospital being poked and prodded. So then he goes to someone’s house he doesn’t know, and who doesn’t know him, spends the night, and gets taken to another someone’s house for a week. Then Grandma comes to the rescue … but I’m finding I still can’t protect him from the woes and pains of the world. He had to spend another two days in the emergency room/hospital being poked and prodded. He has the worst case of colic I could ever imagine, and screams for hours and hours and looks at me like he’s begging me to make the pain just go away. We have to take him to multiple doctor appointments, and to visitation with his mother twice a week for two hours at a time at the DHS offices, and to court hearings and meetings constantly – when I just want to hold him close and protect him from the rest of what the world has to offer him.

How do you undo that? They say babies don’t remember. But I have a feeling that constant negativity since birth has to impress on him somehow. I don’t think all babies are happy babies anymore, and it’s such a damn shame.